Everything After the Word "But" Is Fear Dressed Up as Logic
"I know I need to leave, but..."
I have heard that sentence more times than I can count. In coaching sessions. After keynotes. From friends at the kitchen table.
And almost every time, what comes after the word "but" sounds very reasonable.
"But the timing isn't right." "But the kids are still in school." "But I'm too old to start over."
"But what if it doesn't work?"
What "but" really does
Here is something I want you to notice. Everything before the word "but" is usually the truth. Everything after it is usually fear.
The fear doesn't show up looking scared. It shows up looking logical. It brings spreadsheets and timelines and very good reasons. That is why it works so well. You can argue with a feeling. It is much harder to argue with something that sounds like common sense.
I call this The But. It is the most expensive word in most people's vocabulary.
Five ways The But shows up
When people take my assessment, their answers tend to fall into one of five patterns. See if one of these sounds familiar.
The Loyal One. "But they need me." You stay because leaving feels like betrayal.
The Planner. "But I need one more thing in place first." There is always one more thing.
The Protector. "But I can't risk it." Safety for everyone else comes before your own life.
The Identity Keeper. "But who would I be without this?" The role has become the person.
The Hope Holder. "But maybe it will get better." You keep waiting for a change that has not come.
None of these make you weak. Every one of them started as a strength. Loyalty, planning, protection, identity and hope are good things. They only become a problem when they keep you in a season that has already ended.
Meeting The But with honesty
You don't beat The But by ignoring it. You beat it by looking straight at it.
When I work with someone, my first job is not to push. It is to make sure they feel understood. I call it the "I got you" posture. People move when they feel seen, not when they feel pressured.
Once someone feels understood, we can ask the harder question together: is this reason true, or is it just safe?
Some reasons are true. The kids really are in school. The money really does matter. Those become part of the plan. But a lot of reasons fall apart once you say them out loud to someone who isn't afraid of them.
Try this
Finish this sentence on paper: "I know I need to __________, but __________."
Now cover up everything after the word "but" and read the first half again. That is the part worth listening to.
Start with my free assessment, What's Your But?
Brent K. Miller is a Transition Decision Coach and activation speaker who helps people find the courage to leave a season that has ended and take their next step.
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